My loving partner in life… my dear husband…. the man I’m spending the rest of my life with… the man who calls me wife…. my one and only…. He wrote this. I’m still trying to think of an appropriate punishment to mete out when he arrives back at Casa Disco.  Perhaps I’ll change my blog name to: 8 Track Geezer on the Porch. It’s catchy…

Top Ten Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

AND THE NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

Use Shona Davidson’s graphs for crochet, cross stitch or adapt for knitting :) She has Muppets!!